All poetry ©2002 or 2003 by Terry A. Heggy

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Haiku

Dating and Relationship Haiku, Celebrity Haiku, Sports-Oriented Haiku, Food-Oriented Haiku, Martial Arts Haiku

Celebrity Haiku

Hillary Clinton
Has written another book.
I'm watching SpongeBob.
 
A frenzy welcomes
The newest Harry Potter.
I'm watching SpongeBob.
Mistakes may sometimes
Have minor consequences.
But don't anger Hulk.
Marilyn Manson
Is a cheap imitation
of Alice Cooper.
 
All the contestants
On American Idol
Think Simon's a jerk.
 
I think I could be
A mega-super pop star,
But I sing poorly.
How quickly things change --
We thought there'd be a wedding
For Evan and Zora
 
Construction workers
Quite often make more money
Than nineteen thousand.
I think I'd do it...
If I won an Oscar, I'd
Kiss Halle Berry
 
Foreign policy
Should come from the President --
Not film directors.
Jack Nicholson learned
His acting fundamentals
From Peter Fonda.
 
Jack Nicholson learned
To play psychotic weirdos
From Dennis Hopper.
I often ponder
When Arnold Schwarzenegger
Will win an Oscar.

The Terminator --
I know thereís no one better
To play a robot.
The guy next door to
My cousinís barberís uncle
Knows Kevin Bacon.

A shampoo brand name
Will never leave me looking
Like Heather Locklear.
My friends all tell me
I look like Conway Twitty.
No girls will date me.

My college roommate
Is just like Homer Simpson;
But not as famous.
Poor Regis Philbin -
He asks, ďIs cancellation
Your final answer?Ē

I heard from someone
That Eminem is wealthy.
I just donít get it.
The ancient Greeks asked
The Oracle at Delphi.
Now, itís Rush Limbaugh.

John Edward can see
Dead people. He saw Elvis
Eating a donut.
The world is saddened.
We miss the gentle wisdom
Of Mr. Rogers.
 
You need a wizard?
Call Obi Wan Kenobe
(Not Harry Potter).

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Sports Oriented Haiku

They train with gusto
To quickly eat those hot dogs.
Is it a real sport?
 
That kid from Japan
Seems too thin for all those dogs.
Where does he put them?
It's good for bottles
But not career enhancement
For Sammy Sosa.
 
While Roger Clemens
Has won three hundred ballgames,
He's still a butthead.
Racing's Triple Crown
Gets some folks all excited.
I don't like horses.
 
Kentucky Derby.
The Belmont Stakes. The Preakness.
Who cleans up the poop?
The sport of curling
Requires extreme precision.
It's much like billiards.
 
My one obsession
Is watching NASCAR racing.
I love the decals.
A lumpy mutant?
No, he's not a deformed freak...
A bodybuilder.
 
A man gets bigger
By lifting heavy barbells
And taking steroids.
I love the springtime.
It brings warmth, and most important,
The start of baseball.
 
A crack of the bat...
The boys of summer are back.
Hot dogs: Five dollars.
People love to join
The company softball team,
But soon get injured.
 
A fat engineer
At bat in slow pitch softball
Thinks he's Ted Williams.
The sport of swimming
Will make you fit and healthy.
You'll smell like chlorine.

You swim butterfly.
You move with beauty and grace.
I'll bet you are tired.
A lane of waxed wood,
A frothy drink, and friendship.
It is called bowling.

With special shoes on,
I fling a heavy spheroid
And hope the pins fall.
When pins are flying
And nothing is left standing,
I am then at peace.

There is no God.
No deity would allow
A 7 - 10 split.

A weekend wasted.
The fault is not mine. I blame
Paul Tagliabue.

 

A ball thrown quickly
Curves toward a man with a bat.
...It's over the fence.

Unholy evil
Escapes the confines of Hell.
The Oakland Raiders.

 

A mountain city
Cries out in sad frustration.
They want John Elway.

A golfer's challenge;
To get the ball in the hole.
It's a stupid game.

For a hole in one
You practice for many years.
Or... you get lucky.
A tennis fan pays
To see great skill and talent,
Or girls in short skirts.

Though weightlifters have
Amazing strength and power,
Them dudes is ugly.
Iím always eating
More than you think possible.
I am a Sumo.

A triple axel
Flips up her skimpy costume.
Her ass is freezing.
That sweet young female
Is almost microscopic.
Must be a gymnast.

The stinkiní Commies
Are winning competitions.
(They bribe the judges.)

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Food Oriented Haiku

I often wonder
What's wrong with all those people
Who dine on tofu.
 
I know it's healthy,
But I don't want no tofu...
It tastes like cardboard.
I have no knowledge
Of what's in veggie burgers.
Let's keep it that way.
 
To eat a hot dog
Though you may know its contents,
Don't think about it.
The pepperoni
Does not exist in nature.
Yet thrives at Blackjack's.
 
I watch my intake.
A low-fat meal of stir fry.
But then there's ice cream.
Krispy Kreme donuts
Are something quite magical.
They melt in your mouth.
 
A raid at midnight
Replenishes my stock of
Oreo cookies.
Effective diets
Consist of fruits and salads.
I hate rabbit food.
 
I had some weight loss,
But gained it back by eating
A sausage pizza.
On Valentineís day
I skip the love and romance,
But eat the chocolate.
Like the Universe,
I started very tiny
But keep expanding. 

Tony the Tiger
Knows what heís talking about.
Frosted Flakes are good.

 

Halloween candy
Overflows my goodie bag.
My life is awesome.

Great gloom engulfs me.
Depression fills my being...
There is no pizza.

 

The work dayís over.
Time for relaxation.
I shall have a beer.

I love to consume
Drinks made from barley and hops.
I now need to pee.

 

With beer and pretzels
I settle in for pleasure.
Monday Night Football.

A simple phone call
Brings forth supreme fulfillment
Made by Dominoís.

 

The meal was filling.
Yet, somehow not completed.
It cries for ice cream.

My loverís kisses
Are not as satisfying
As those from Hersheyís.

 

Food evolution
Begins with simple legumes.
It ends with Pop Tarts.

Food from Taco Bell,
Can really thrill my taste buds.
But itís not healthy.

 

I have a craving
For a product known as Spam.
What the hell is it?

 

At Christmas dinner
I feel a great expansion.
Unbuckle my belt.

 

Undoing my belt.
Did not relieve the pressure.
I barfed up the yams.

 

There are no diets.
My body is a temple.
For I am Sumo.
The Sumoís life is
Beyond my understanding.
Iím anorexic.

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Hai-kurate (Martial Arts Poetry)

I do you damage
With flailing arms and leg kicks.
I beat you senseless.

Bruce Lee's karate
I laugh at with derision.
I'm alive. He's not.

All other poets
Must feel humiliation.
They cringe before me.

As martial artists
Most poets show great weakness.
I do not. I'm great.

When normal poets
Perform as martial artists
They stink. I crush them.

(Okay, I know this isn't Haiku --)

You may be an expert at writing,
Or highly proficient at fighting.
But whichever your art -
I will take you apart.
And it's dust you will shortly be biting.

So, you pick the meter and rhyme scheme.
And choose a romantic or crime theme.
Then start your kung fu
Cuz I guarantee you
You'll be knocked out and having a fine dream.

You might think you're full of surprises
But you'll soon find that you're in a crisis.
I will dismantle you
While I author haiku
That is worthy of Pulitzer Prizes.


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Dating and Relationship Haiku

It's hard to decide...
Should we go out to dinner
Or see a movie.
 
The meal was perfect...
A delightful ambiance.
How much should I tip?
The date commences.
We try for conversation.
My brain is frozen.
 
The perfect woman,
My ideal life's companion --
How will I find her?
I'm made to suffer
For every male offender
She's ever dated.
 
Her former boyfriends
Have treated her so poorly.
I would not do that.
The biggest secret
In dating successfully
Is to be yourself.
 
I took a woman
To ride on the Tilt-A-Whirl.
She barfed in my lap.
Am I good enough?
Or is she out of my league?
Perhaps I'll stay home.
 
My sense of humor
Requires that all my lovers
Must dig the Stooges.
I took a chance once,
Agreeing to a blind date.
Oh, no! Godzilla!
 
Our first date opens
With stuttered conversation.
I sweat profusely.
 
I've read and studied
That book by Terry Heggy.
It solved my problems.
 
I am not handsome,
But thanks to Terry's program
I do quite nicely.

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